God has layed upon my heart to share what I am learning while dealing with infertility and the road to becomming a mommy. More than anything, He has taught me that I am blessed. A favorite song says: I am blessed, I am blessed From when I rise up in the morning Til I lay my head to rest I feel You near me You sooth me when I'm weary Oh Lord, for all the worst and all the best I am blessed. My hope is that you realize that you are blessed.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
In our church, Mother's Day is a busy day. There is Graduation Recognition, Baby Dedication, and of course recognition of mothers. Last year, I was walking to the choir room and I saw all those parents lined up with their babies and I was hit with a wall of grief. It was all I could do to not run out of the church. A dear friend was dedicating her new son that day and I needed to be there for that so I continued on. But I could not make it through the entire service. You see during the Children's Feature, all the mothers are asked to stand up and the kids give every mother a flower. It would not be so bad if I was sitting in the congregation. Instead, I am in the choir loft and it felt as if I was shouting, "I am not a mother! I have no children!" The same thing happens every time someone asks me if I have any kids. Heartache. Despair. Emptiness. Even now as I sit typing, tears are running down my face. Luckily, the choir was dismissed soon after that. I went home to grieve before being with my family to celebrate the wonderful mothers in my life.
This year I thought that I was doing better. Another friend was dedicating her baby and when I saw all the parents waiting, I was happy for them. Again, the mothers were asked to stand up, but this time it was much better. When the choir was dismissed, I did not run away. I went and sat with my family. Our pastor's sermon was about traits of a good mother. At one point, he was speaking about Hannah and her desire to have a child. He stopped and said that we needed to recognize that every woman who wanted a child did not have them. I was fine until that point. Tears could not be stopped. I continued to sit and listen and eventually the tears stopped. The rest of the day was wonderful. We had lunch with my in-laws, my mom, and my grandma. We then went to my grandma's and played cards all afternoon.
This past Sunday was our Music Minister's last day with us. He and his wife are moving to Texas to be closer to their son and grandchildren. Bob and Susan will be greatly missed. They have enriched our lives so much. They both are reflections of Christ. At the end of the service, our pastor presented a gift to them and it was an emotional time. I managed to get myself under control to sing the closing song. After the service, I was walking down a hall and Susan was coming from the other direction. We hugged and she said. "I am going to tell you something that is going to make you cry. On Mother's Day, I looked for you. I had gotten two flowers and I wanted to give you one. I know that somewhere, somehow God has a baby for you. Until that time, you need to know what an impact you are having on children in this town. You are doing great things for them." She was right. I was crying.
That evening there was a reception for Bob and Susan. I was hopping to tell them how much they have meant to us and to be able to give to them like they are always giving to others. Instead, they gave to us. They shared with us the joy that they had about us planning to adopt. Bob said that our child would be very lucky knowing how much he or she was desired. That our child would be blessed to have us as parents. Thank you, Bob and Susan.
Friday, April 25, 2008
"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity". Gilda Radner, 1946-1989
I love this. Recently during a fight (yes, Chad and I argue), I burst into tears and said, "This was not what I expected my life to be!" Uh, Oh! That's a bad thing to say to your husband. Before I go any further, Chad and I are fine. We occasionally allow ourselves to be immature, selfish, hardheaded, and take any stress we have out on each other. Thankfully, we love each other and we do not allow these moments to damage our marriage. As I was saying, do not tell your husband that this was not the life that you expected. He will not take it well. I explained that this was not a bad thing and we eventually worked through it.
Let me tell you what I meant. You see, I am a dreamer. Head in the clouds, someday my prince will come, happily ever after dreamer. I love fairy tales, romance books, and chick flicks. Even though I knew that the perfect life did not exist, I was going to have something close enough to it; the perfect romantic husband, a dream house, financially well off, the ability to stay home and create and do great things, and of course the house full of kids (hopefully 5)
Okay, let's take a real look at my life. Just so you know, this is not me whining or feeling sorry for myself. I am just taking stock.
My husband- not perfect and occasionally most often not romantic. He used to be wonderfully romantic but sometime after "I do" - he wasn't. He still can be on occasions but they are far more removed from each other. Chad is defiantly not perfect. I won't tell you his faults. I instead will tell you that he is very intelligent and has a great sense of humor. We have so much fun together. He is my Knight in not so shiny armour. I do love him.
My house- not my dream house but I do love it.
Financially- fine but not well off. Clearances and coupons are a must. LOL!
Stay at home- love to but I cannot at the moment. I do really enjoy my job. Well -most days.
Creating and doing great things- no time or energy to do everything that I would like. I enjoy what I do have the time for; Church, family, friends, committees, and activities.
House full of kids- OK that's where the hang up is. I truly expected a house full of kids by now. When I was little, I told my mother that I wanted 10 kids- 5 kids and 5 babies. I did not understand that babies did not stay babies and that they were a lot of work. Now, I would settle for just one.
You see this is where the quote comes in. I find at times that I want to cry out and say that "this is not the life that I expected!" Sometimes, I feel as if I am still waiting for my life to start. Those were my plans, but what about God's? For the most part, I think that I take each moment and make the best out of it without knowing what is going to happen next. You see, I know that God is in control of my life and He has plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11) Do you?
Friday, April 4, 2008
One night I was praying for this young woman and this situation. As I was praying, I changed my prayer. You see, it was with the mind that I would be getting this child. She was only 3 weeks along. Anything could happen along the way. I changed my prayer.
A couple of weeks ago, I found out that the young woman had a miscarriage and they believed that she was carrying twins. I felt sorrow like I would for anyone who would lose a child but not the sorrow of losing my own child. You see this was not my child. My child is somewhere, maybe not even conceived yet. So this is my prayer.....
Father, You know the deepest desire of my heart. Chad and I so want to be parents. You have led us to adoption and I know when the time is right You will throw open the doors. I pray for the mother of my child. I pray that you are with her now. I pray that she makes the right choices for her and the child. Give her strength to do what is best for her and the child. Be with us all, Lord, during this time. In Your name I pray, Amen.
Friday, March 21, 2008
I love the wooden signs that have sayings on them. I saw one recently that said:
I believe in the Sun even when it does not shine
I believe in the Wind even when it does not blow
I believe in God even when He is silent
That sign speaks to me right now. For a while there it felt as if every time I turned around God was speaking to me loud and clear (no I was not hearing an actual voice), but for the last month He has been silent. This got me thinking. Was He really silent or was I too busy to listen?
Maybe He has been speaking to me in a whisper.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
I really considered skipping chuch on Sunday morning. We are there pretty much every Sunday. Don't get me wrong. I love going to church and it is not a "have to" sort of thing. This was going to be the only non working day that Chad would be gone and I really wanted to stay in my pjs all day long. Very close to heaven in my opinion. That did not happen. A very dear friend called to remind me that I promised to pick up the breakfast that she made for our Sunday School class since she could not go. Ok, so I would go to Sunday School then go home. At Sunday School, I remembered that we (the choir) were singing two great songs that morning. I can't pass up these songs. Ok, after the choir is released I will leave. But the sermon is about grace- ok I will stay. I was very blessed that morning. Through our pastor, I was reminded of grace. I know about God's grace, but how often do I demonstrate His grace to others? Blessing number 1 that weekend was time to praise God and time to hear His voice.
On Saturday, I did make arrangemets with my mom to go to my grandma's to eat dinner and play cards on Sunday night. I knew they would not care if I came in my pjs. My dad is an over the road truck driver and is only home about every three weeks for only a few days. Unfortunatly, there are times when he is home that I do not get to see him because of other commitments. In the past year, my grandma has gone from a very energetic and active older woman to beign on oxagen and weak. We are reminded that her time with us is shorter than we would like. Spending an evening with the 3 of them would not be a hardship. On my way home from church, I called to double check the time for dinner. Mom suggested I stop by their house on my way home and have lunch with them. Let me just say if you have the chance to have my dad's pulled pork, DO NOT TURN IT DOWN! It is delicious! I ended up staying the entire day at my parents then going to grandma's. Blessing number 2 was spending time with people that I love very much and having a great time. I am blessed to have these people in my life.
Monday came and it was sleeting. In fact, they had an early dismissal at school and that ment that I would not have to go to work. Yea! Blessing number 3! I came home after a meeting and doing a couple of things for work and took a nap! Naps- if you get them - are wonderful!
I had made plans the week before to have dinner with a friend. She and I have not gotten together in some time. We were long overdue. Have you ever really been looking forward to doing something and then as that time approaches finding yourself not wanting to do it? It sounds stupid and selfish, but I really wanted to just stay home. I knew that I would regret not going. Blessing number 4 was being able to have this time with her. We were able to catch up and share things that we aren't always able to share with other people. I love this friend dearly and am so blessed to call her friend.
I did not get want I wanted during this time. Many times what we want is not what we need. Instead, we are blessed. Thank you to those that blessed me this week.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
The writer tells of a women's retreat that she attended. During the final session, they sang "Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord," and they were to go somewhere alone and to be alone with God. Each woman received a balloon and a marker. They were to ask God to show them an area of their life they needed to to release to Him and write it on the balloon. The writer wrote: INFERTILITY. She slumped to the ground in tears. She thought that she had already released this to Him. She knew that God is in control and thought that she had accepted His plan for her. Yet, as she gazed at the word, she knew that God was right. She had never "formally" released her infertility to Him.
This devotion gets me every time. Like the writer, I know that God is in control and I want His plan for my life. I have prayed many times, Lord, I release my infertility to you. But I wonder- have I really? Am I just saying the words? What else can I do to release it formally. How do I make sure that I am still not hanging on? As I am writing this, I look back and see something that I think is significant. The writer uses the wording "accepting His plan" and I used "want His plan." I want His will, but am I accepting His will?
Am I hanging on? Lately, I have been visualizing balloons. I love to watch balloons soar off into the sky. I wonder where it will end up? When I initially read this devotion, I visualized writing INFERTILITY on the balloon and releasing it to the sky. I visualized God reaching out and taking it and keeping it. But in the past few weeks, I have been visualizing something a little more different. Remember when you were a child getting a balloon? Or what you may do with your child? What do you usually do? Do you tie it around the child's wrist or stroller so the balloon will not fly away? I wonder - is that what I am doing with my infertility? Am I releasing it only to have a really long string that is still attached to me?
Chad and I felt that God was wanting us to adopt. We are moving forward with this. Earlier this month, we were planning to continue with the medical side also. It is now time to make the calls to go ahead with the treatments. I asked Chad last night what he thought. He said that he really has not thought about doing the treatments. As, we talked he really made a lot of sense. If adoption is what God wants for us, then why go through possibly painful treatments and surgeries? Is this the string that I have tied around my wrist to keep my balloon? Today, I am cutting it off. Lord, I am yours. Take my infertility and my plan to be a mommy and make it Yours. Open my eyes and heart to You and help me to accept Your will.
Today, I ask two things from you who are reading this.
1. Pray for me. Help me to see how to fully release being a mommy to God. Please leave comments. I can always use encouragement.
2. Ask God to reveal to you what you need to release to Him.
Lord, let's get real. Open the eyes of my heart. Be my truth. Create in me a pure heart and renew a right spirit within me. Search my heart and reveal to me what You see hidden there. What do I need to surrender to You? Today I release ________________ to You. Amen
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Over a year ago, a dear friend from Church had given me a devotional book titled Longing for a Child. I have since completed the book but I still get it out and read it at least weekly. It is interesting to look back at my thinking over the past year and see some things differently.
One devotion was called New Vision. The passage is Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith Hebrews 12:2. As I read the devotion, I was not ready at the time to take it to heart. I decided I was not ready for the lesson yet. The prayer in it said "Give me the desire of my heart or take my desire away." WHAT!? Take my desire away? My heart and mind could not grasp that! Ever since I was a small child, I have wanted to be a mother. Why give me that desire if I could never have it. There are people out there who do not want to be mothers. Why, God? Now -here's some truth time. Yes, Chad and I prayed for God's will in our lives, but I was afraid. I was afraid that if I said take it away - He would. What would I do then. All my hopes and dreams gone. Who would I be? Would that make me a different person? Would I recognize myself in the mirror? No, NO! I'm not thinking about it. But... every once in awhile that devotion and prayer would sneak up on me and I would push it away.
The day after Christmas, I was having a moment of pity. I wanted to be pregnant. Oh, I so much wanted a baby! I was crying, and driving- watch out other drivers- and I remembered that devotion. With tears running down my face, I prayed that prayer out loud. Give me the desire of my heart or take my desire away. As soon as I said it, I thought "What have I done?" Then I said only one word. "Lord!" I have found that many times when I do not have the words or know what to say, that is what I say. There was peace. I was hurting but He had me in His hands and He was not not going to let me fall.
Lord, I'm blinded by my circumstance. I need your perspective. Heal me or heal my vision. Give me the desire of my heart or take my desire away. Forgive me for looking away from you in my times of doubt and discouragement. Open my eyes to your plan and truth.
Help me to fix my eyes on you, the author and perfecter of my faith. Amen
The desire has not been taken away but maybe there is a new vision.
Thank you, Cindy, for the book and continued prayers and support you have given me.