There is a devotion that I read each week. It is titled Get Real. He searches the sources of the rivers and brings hidden things to light. Job 28:11
The writer tells of a women's retreat that she attended. During the final session, they sang "Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord," and they were to go somewhere alone and to be alone with God. Each woman received a balloon and a marker. They were to ask God to show them an area of their life they needed to to release to Him and write it on the balloon. The writer wrote: INFERTILITY. She slumped to the ground in tears. She thought that she had already released this to Him. She knew that God is in control and thought that she had accepted His plan for her. Yet, as she gazed at the word, she knew that God was right. She had never "formally" released her infertility to Him.
This devotion gets me every time. Like the writer, I know that God is in control and I want His plan for my life. I have prayed many times, Lord, I release my infertility to you. But I wonder- have I really? Am I just saying the words? What else can I do to release it formally. How do I make sure that I am still not hanging on? As I am writing this, I look back and see something that I think is significant. The writer uses the wording "accepting His plan" and I used "want His plan." I want His will, but am I accepting His will?
Am I hanging on? Lately, I have been visualizing balloons. I love to watch balloons soar off into the sky. I wonder where it will end up? When I initially read this devotion, I visualized writing INFERTILITY on the balloon and releasing it to the sky. I visualized God reaching out and taking it and keeping it. But in the past few weeks, I have been visualizing something a little more different. Remember when you were a child getting a balloon? Or what you may do with your child? What do you usually do? Do you tie it around the child's wrist or stroller so the balloon will not fly away? I wonder - is that what I am doing with my infertility? Am I releasing it only to have a really long string that is still attached to me?
Chad and I felt that God was wanting us to adopt. We are moving forward with this. Earlier this month, we were planning to continue with the medical side also. It is now time to make the calls to go ahead with the treatments. I asked Chad last night what he thought. He said that he really has not thought about doing the treatments. As, we talked he really made a lot of sense. If adoption is what God wants for us, then why go through possibly painful treatments and surgeries? Is this the string that I have tied around my wrist to keep my balloon? Today, I am cutting it off. Lord, I am yours. Take my infertility and my plan to be a mommy and make it Yours. Open my eyes and heart to You and help me to accept Your will.
Today, I ask two things from you who are reading this.
1. Pray for me. Help me to see how to fully release being a mommy to God. Please leave comments. I can always use encouragement.
2. Ask God to reveal to you what you need to release to Him.
Lord, let's get real. Open the eyes of my heart. Be my truth. Create in me a pure heart and renew a right spirit within me. Search my heart and reveal to me what You see hidden there. What do I need to surrender to You? Today I release ________________ to You. Amen
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Overcoming Fears
Today's blog is about something that had happened before the decision to start the adoption process but I felt that I needed to share it.
Over a year ago, a dear friend from Church had given me a devotional book titled Longing for a Child. I have since completed the book but I still get it out and read it at least weekly. It is interesting to look back at my thinking over the past year and see some things differently.
One devotion was called New Vision. The passage is Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith Hebrews 12:2. As I read the devotion, I was not ready at the time to take it to heart. I decided I was not ready for the lesson yet. The prayer in it said "Give me the desire of my heart or take my desire away." WHAT!? Take my desire away? My heart and mind could not grasp that! Ever since I was a small child, I have wanted to be a mother. Why give me that desire if I could never have it. There are people out there who do not want to be mothers. Why, God? Now -here's some truth time. Yes, Chad and I prayed for God's will in our lives, but I was afraid. I was afraid that if I said take it away - He would. What would I do then. All my hopes and dreams gone. Who would I be? Would that make me a different person? Would I recognize myself in the mirror? No, NO! I'm not thinking about it. But... every once in awhile that devotion and prayer would sneak up on me and I would push it away.
The day after Christmas, I was having a moment of pity. I wanted to be pregnant. Oh, I so much wanted a baby! I was crying, and driving- watch out other drivers- and I remembered that devotion. With tears running down my face, I prayed that prayer out loud. Give me the desire of my heart or take my desire away. As soon as I said it, I thought "What have I done?" Then I said only one word. "Lord!" I have found that many times when I do not have the words or know what to say, that is what I say. There was peace. I was hurting but He had me in His hands and He was not not going to let me fall.
Lord, I'm blinded by my circumstance. I need your perspective. Heal me or heal my vision. Give me the desire of my heart or take my desire away. Forgive me for looking away from you in my times of doubt and discouragement. Open my eyes to your plan and truth.
Help me to fix my eyes on you, the author and perfecter of my faith. Amen
The desire has not been taken away but maybe there is a new vision.
Thank you, Cindy, for the book and continued prayers and support you have given me.
Over a year ago, a dear friend from Church had given me a devotional book titled Longing for a Child. I have since completed the book but I still get it out and read it at least weekly. It is interesting to look back at my thinking over the past year and see some things differently.
One devotion was called New Vision. The passage is Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith Hebrews 12:2. As I read the devotion, I was not ready at the time to take it to heart. I decided I was not ready for the lesson yet. The prayer in it said "Give me the desire of my heart or take my desire away." WHAT!? Take my desire away? My heart and mind could not grasp that! Ever since I was a small child, I have wanted to be a mother. Why give me that desire if I could never have it. There are people out there who do not want to be mothers. Why, God? Now -here's some truth time. Yes, Chad and I prayed for God's will in our lives, but I was afraid. I was afraid that if I said take it away - He would. What would I do then. All my hopes and dreams gone. Who would I be? Would that make me a different person? Would I recognize myself in the mirror? No, NO! I'm not thinking about it. But... every once in awhile that devotion and prayer would sneak up on me and I would push it away.
The day after Christmas, I was having a moment of pity. I wanted to be pregnant. Oh, I so much wanted a baby! I was crying, and driving- watch out other drivers- and I remembered that devotion. With tears running down my face, I prayed that prayer out loud. Give me the desire of my heart or take my desire away. As soon as I said it, I thought "What have I done?" Then I said only one word. "Lord!" I have found that many times when I do not have the words or know what to say, that is what I say. There was peace. I was hurting but He had me in His hands and He was not not going to let me fall.
Lord, I'm blinded by my circumstance. I need your perspective. Heal me or heal my vision. Give me the desire of my heart or take my desire away. Forgive me for looking away from you in my times of doubt and discouragement. Open my eyes to your plan and truth.
Help me to fix my eyes on you, the author and perfecter of my faith. Amen
The desire has not been taken away but maybe there is a new vision.
Thank you, Cindy, for the book and continued prayers and support you have given me.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
It is well...
It's been a week since I have blogged and I can't believe that the time has gotten away from me. I really wanted to blog more often. Oh well!
We have not heard from anyone regarding the baby in Arizona. Chad and I talked when we first heard about her and we said then, even if this does not work out- we know that God has a baby for us somewhere.
This past Sunday, our preacher was speaking about peace. In fact, the theme is Know Jesus, Know Peace. He spoke about the storms of life and what we needed to have and do to survive them. I won't go into that right now but I want to get you into my mind at that moment. I had just sang the choir number in which I had a solo. The words of the solo are: Carry me, Father God, in your strong eagle wings of love. Through the storms, keep me safe. Through the tears and all my shame, carry me. It really paints a picture. Can't you see yourself wrapped in His arms. I have a memory of my dad carrying me and the feeling as if nothing bad could or would happen to me as long as I was in his arms. It is that way with our Heavenly Father.
During the sermon, I was reminded of something that I had heard three years ago, but I could not really remember exactly the words of the lesson and the Hymn that went with it. I have over the past 6 years been blessed to go to a couple of Women of Faith conferences each year. One year, Jennifer Rothschild was speaking and she really spoke to me. At that time, we were just beginning to start to discover why we were not getting pregnant and I really took what she had to say to heart. She had quite a story to share. Here's the lesson that has stayed with me several years later. Although, I may not be well in my circumstances, because I have faith in God, it is well with my soul. That's it! The hymn is It is well with my soul. To show you what a great God He is, after the invitation, the offertory hymn was It is Well! Wow! My heart jumped! I love it when He speaks to me and affirms my thoughts.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,When sorrows like sea billows roll;Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
We have not heard from anyone regarding the baby in Arizona. Chad and I talked when we first heard about her and we said then, even if this does not work out- we know that God has a baby for us somewhere.
This past Sunday, our preacher was speaking about peace. In fact, the theme is Know Jesus, Know Peace. He spoke about the storms of life and what we needed to have and do to survive them. I won't go into that right now but I want to get you into my mind at that moment. I had just sang the choir number in which I had a solo. The words of the solo are: Carry me, Father God, in your strong eagle wings of love. Through the storms, keep me safe. Through the tears and all my shame, carry me. It really paints a picture. Can't you see yourself wrapped in His arms. I have a memory of my dad carrying me and the feeling as if nothing bad could or would happen to me as long as I was in his arms. It is that way with our Heavenly Father.
During the sermon, I was reminded of something that I had heard three years ago, but I could not really remember exactly the words of the lesson and the Hymn that went with it. I have over the past 6 years been blessed to go to a couple of Women of Faith conferences each year. One year, Jennifer Rothschild was speaking and she really spoke to me. At that time, we were just beginning to start to discover why we were not getting pregnant and I really took what she had to say to heart. She had quite a story to share. Here's the lesson that has stayed with me several years later. Although, I may not be well in my circumstances, because I have faith in God, it is well with my soul. That's it! The hymn is It is well with my soul. To show you what a great God He is, after the invitation, the offertory hymn was It is Well! Wow! My heart jumped! I love it when He speaks to me and affirms my thoughts.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,When sorrows like sea billows roll;Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Monday, January 7, 2008
We need your prayers!
Good morning! I need to catch you up with what happened last week. I did not blog about it before because I had a feeling that I was not ready to share with everyone. On New Years Eve morning, Chad and I had an appointment with our doctor in Columbia. This was a reevaluation appointment. I have been on Clomid for 8 cycles and was taking the largest dosage I could take with varying results regarding mature follicles (eggs). We have tried insemination (IUI) 6 times. It was time to look further. Our doctor gave us several options. The first is to have a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). This test is an X-ray procedure performed to determine whether the fallopian tubes are open and to see if the shape of the uterine cavity is normal. This is the next step. We can continue with Clomid and IUI, but this recommend to make sure that we are not wasting our money. The test will cost about $1500 and even after both the doctor's office and I have called, the insurance company has not said whether they will pay any or not. I was at the correct time during my cycle for the test. In fact, I was to have it done on Friday. Chad and I made the decision to wait until the next cycle. We pay everything at the time of service and we wanted to make sure that we could cover it if insurance did not cover it after all.
There were other options discussed. There are other fertility drugs but the HSG is needed to go further and I'm not sure that I want to take shots everyday. We discussed in-vetro fertilization (IVF). This will cost us about $12,000 for one try and since the problem is both Chad and I we only have a chance of about 10% of this working. We had a lot of decisions to make.
On the way home, we decided that it was time to start adoption proceedings. We can continue with the HSG, Clomid, and IUI, but we will begin the long process to adopt. Chad said that he has felt for a while that God wanted us to adopt. I was beginning to wonder too. Chad had a close friend that is a lawyer and adopted his first son. We got a card for an adoption lawyer in KC. I downloaded the application and we started making a list of who we were going to ask to write letters on our behalf.
Now, here is the good part. It was Friday morning, and I was scheduled to have the HSG done that morning but I had cancelled the appointment. My prayer that morning was, "Lord, if adoption is what you want for us then let there be no obstacles and fling open the doors wide."
A couple of hours later, I was at Wal-Mart meeting with other co-workers to buy supplies for work. While I was at the front waiting, my friend Amanda came in. I walked over to say hi and she asked if I had a minute to talk. She said that she had talked to another friend that week (Shelley) and she had told her that her aunt's boss has a niece that had a baby girl 3 weeks old was was planning to give it up for adoption. Wow! Lord you are awesome! Even if this is not the baby you have for us, thank you for your confirmation of your plan for us. We are in the process of finding out about more information about this baby and what we need to do. Please pray for us. Pray for God's will in our lives and that we will recognize His will. That every decision is with our eyes on Him and if things do not work out this time that our hearts and minds realize that this was not our baby but ours is out there.
There were other options discussed. There are other fertility drugs but the HSG is needed to go further and I'm not sure that I want to take shots everyday. We discussed in-vetro fertilization (IVF). This will cost us about $12,000 for one try and since the problem is both Chad and I we only have a chance of about 10% of this working. We had a lot of decisions to make.
On the way home, we decided that it was time to start adoption proceedings. We can continue with the HSG, Clomid, and IUI, but we will begin the long process to adopt. Chad said that he has felt for a while that God wanted us to adopt. I was beginning to wonder too. Chad had a close friend that is a lawyer and adopted his first son. We got a card for an adoption lawyer in KC. I downloaded the application and we started making a list of who we were going to ask to write letters on our behalf.
Now, here is the good part. It was Friday morning, and I was scheduled to have the HSG done that morning but I had cancelled the appointment. My prayer that morning was, "Lord, if adoption is what you want for us then let there be no obstacles and fling open the doors wide."
A couple of hours later, I was at Wal-Mart meeting with other co-workers to buy supplies for work. While I was at the front waiting, my friend Amanda came in. I walked over to say hi and she asked if I had a minute to talk. She said that she had talked to another friend that week (Shelley) and she had told her that her aunt's boss has a niece that had a baby girl 3 weeks old was was planning to give it up for adoption. Wow! Lord you are awesome! Even if this is not the baby you have for us, thank you for your confirmation of your plan for us. We are in the process of finding out about more information about this baby and what we need to do. Please pray for us. Pray for God's will in our lives and that we will recognize His will. That every decision is with our eyes on Him and if things do not work out this time that our hearts and minds realize that this was not our baby but ours is out there.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Happy New Year!
I'm Back! As you may know, Chad sells quite a bit on ebay and since he was off I did not get time on the computer. I loved the time with him since my job had very limited hours for the last two weeks.
I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! We certainly did. I love this time of year! I love spending the extra time with my family and being reminded of the greatest gift that anyone ever received. God's everlasting love, His ultimate sacrifice, and His unfailing grace. Can we ever truly comprehend His love for us. Those of you who are parents I'm sure can understand the love and joy that He finds in us, the pleasure He feels when we spend time with Him, and the unconditional love that He demonstrates each day. But is that even an inch of what He feels for us? Somehow, I do not think so. Lord, thank you for loving me even when I forget to "call", am to busy to spend time with you, want things that I do not need, and say or do things that do not reflect you.
This Christmas, I wanted only one thing. To be pregnant. In fact, I had it all figured out. I was late starting and my plan was to take the test Christmas morning. Even though I did not take any fertility drugs nor did we do insemination, I was sure that God would show how big He is. What a wonderful testimony that would be! If the test was positive, I was going to wrap up the test and when all of my family and Chad's parents were at our house for Christmas I would give it to him. Can you imagine the joy that would be in the house that day? It was negative. Immediately, the tears came. Yes, my heart was breaking. But, with every tear came the knowledge that God did not need to make me pregnant to show how big He is. He had already done that by sending His son, His infant son, to be born in a stable. His timing is perfect! Christmas day is about celebrating the birth of Christ. I did not get what I wanted for Christmas, instead I got something much greater. Philippians 4:4 says, "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!"
I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! We certainly did. I love this time of year! I love spending the extra time with my family and being reminded of the greatest gift that anyone ever received. God's everlasting love, His ultimate sacrifice, and His unfailing grace. Can we ever truly comprehend His love for us. Those of you who are parents I'm sure can understand the love and joy that He finds in us, the pleasure He feels when we spend time with Him, and the unconditional love that He demonstrates each day. But is that even an inch of what He feels for us? Somehow, I do not think so. Lord, thank you for loving me even when I forget to "call", am to busy to spend time with you, want things that I do not need, and say or do things that do not reflect you.
This Christmas, I wanted only one thing. To be pregnant. In fact, I had it all figured out. I was late starting and my plan was to take the test Christmas morning. Even though I did not take any fertility drugs nor did we do insemination, I was sure that God would show how big He is. What a wonderful testimony that would be! If the test was positive, I was going to wrap up the test and when all of my family and Chad's parents were at our house for Christmas I would give it to him. Can you imagine the joy that would be in the house that day? It was negative. Immediately, the tears came. Yes, my heart was breaking. But, with every tear came the knowledge that God did not need to make me pregnant to show how big He is. He had already done that by sending His son, His infant son, to be born in a stable. His timing is perfect! Christmas day is about celebrating the birth of Christ. I did not get what I wanted for Christmas, instead I got something much greater. Philippians 4:4 says, "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!"
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