Overcoming Fears

Today's blog is about something that had happened before the decision to start the adoption process but I felt that I needed to share it.

Over a year ago, a dear friend from Church had given me a devotional book titled Longing for a Child. I have since completed the book but I still get it out and read it at least weekly. It is interesting to look back at my thinking over the past year and see some things differently.

One devotion was called New Vision. The passage is Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith Hebrews 12:2. As I read the devotion, I was not ready at the time to take it to heart. I decided I was not ready for the lesson yet. The prayer in it said "Give me the desire of my heart or take my desire away." WHAT!? Take my desire away? My heart and mind could not grasp that! Ever since I was a small child, I have wanted to be a mother. Why give me that desire if I could never have it. There are people out there who do not want to be mothers. Why, God? Now -here's some truth time. Yes, Chad and I prayed for God's will in our lives, but I was afraid. I was afraid that if I said take it away - He would. What would I do then. All my hopes and dreams gone. Who would I be? Would that make me a different person? Would I recognize myself in the mirror? No, NO! I'm not thinking about it. But... every once in awhile that devotion and prayer would sneak up on me and I would push it away.

The day after Christmas, I was having a moment of pity. I wanted to be pregnant. Oh, I so much wanted a baby! I was crying, and driving- watch out other drivers- and I remembered that devotion. With tears running down my face, I prayed that prayer out loud. Give me the desire of my heart or take my desire away. As soon as I said it, I thought "What have I done?" Then I said only one word. "Lord!" I have found that many times when I do not have the words or know what to say, that is what I say. There was peace. I was hurting but He had me in His hands and He was not not going to let me fall.

Lord, I'm blinded by my circumstance. I need your perspective. Heal me or heal my vision. Give me the desire of my heart or take my desire away. Forgive me for looking away from you in my times of doubt and discouragement. Open my eyes to your plan and truth.
Help me to fix my eyes on you, the author and perfecter of my faith. Amen

The desire has not been taken away but maybe there is a new vision.

Thank you, Cindy, for the book and continued prayers and support you have given me.