Balloons

There is a devotion that I read each week. It is titled Get Real. He searches the sources of the rivers and brings hidden things to light. Job 28:11

The writer tells of a women's retreat that she attended. During the final session, they sang "Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord," and they were to go somewhere alone and to be alone with God. Each woman received a balloon and a marker. They were to ask God to show them an area of their life they needed to to release to Him and write it on the balloon. The writer wrote: INFERTILITY. She slumped to the ground in tears. She thought that she had already released this to Him. She knew that God is in control and thought that she had accepted His plan for her. Yet, as she gazed at the word, she knew that God was right. She had never "formally" released her infertility to Him.

This devotion gets me every time. Like the writer, I know that God is in control and I want His plan for my life. I have prayed many times, Lord, I release my infertility to you. But I wonder- have I really? Am I just saying the words? What else can I do to release it formally. How do I make sure that I am still not hanging on? As I am writing this, I look back and see something that I think is significant. The writer uses the wording "accepting His plan" and I used "want His plan." I want His will, but am I accepting His will?

Am I hanging on? Lately, I have been visualizing balloons. I love to watch balloons soar off into the sky. I wonder where it will end up? When I initially read this devotion, I visualized writing INFERTILITY on the balloon and releasing it to the sky. I visualized God reaching out and taking it and keeping it. But in the past few weeks, I have been visualizing something a little more different. Remember when you were a child getting a balloon? Or what you may do with your child? What do you usually do? Do you tie it around the child's wrist or stroller so the balloon will not fly away? I wonder - is that what I am doing with my infertility? Am I releasing it only to have a really long string that is still attached to me?

Chad and I felt that God was wanting us to adopt. We are moving forward with this. Earlier this month, we were planning to continue with the medical side also. It is now time to make the calls to go ahead with the treatments. I asked Chad last night what he thought. He said that he really has not thought about doing the treatments. As, we talked he really made a lot of sense. If adoption is what God wants for us, then why go through possibly painful treatments and surgeries? Is this the string that I have tied around my wrist to keep my balloon? Today, I am cutting it off. Lord, I am yours. Take my infertility and my plan to be a mommy and make it Yours. Open my eyes and heart to You and help me to accept Your will.

Today, I ask two things from you who are reading this.
1. Pray for me. Help me to see how to fully release being a mommy to God. Please leave comments. I can always use encouragement.
2. Ask God to reveal to you what you need to release to Him.
Lord, let's get real. Open the eyes of my heart. Be my truth. Create in me a pure heart and renew a right spirit within me. Search my heart and reveal to me what You see hidden there. What do I need to surrender to You? Today I release ________________ to You. Amen

It is well...

It's been a week since I have blogged and I can't believe that the time has gotten away from me. I really wanted to blog more often. Oh well!

We have not heard from anyone regarding the baby in Arizona. Chad and I talked when we first heard about her and we said then, even if this does not work out- we know that God has a baby for us somewhere.

This past Sunday, our preacher was speaking about peace. In fact, the theme is Know Jesus, Know Peace. He spoke about the storms of life and what we needed to have and do to survive them. I won't go into that right now but I want to get you into my mind at that moment. I had just sang the choir number in which I had a solo. The words of the solo are: Carry me, Father God, in your strong eagle wings of love. Through the storms, keep me safe. Through the tears and all my shame, carry me. It really paints a picture. Can't you see yourself wrapped in His arms. I have a memory of my dad carrying me and the feeling as if nothing bad could or would happen to me as long as I was in his arms. It is that way with our Heavenly Father.

During the sermon, I was reminded of something that I had heard three years ago, but I could not really remember exactly the words of the lesson and the Hymn that went with it. I have over the past 6 years been blessed to go to a couple of Women of Faith conferences each year. One year, Jennifer Rothschild was speaking and she really spoke to me. At that time, we were just beginning to start to discover why we were not getting pregnant and I really took what she had to say to heart. She had quite a story to share. Here's the lesson that has stayed with me several years later. Although, I may not be well in my circumstances, because I have faith in God, it is well with my soul. That's it! The hymn is It is well with my soul. To show you what a great God He is, after the invitation, the offertory hymn was It is Well! Wow! My heart jumped! I love it when He speaks to me and affirms my thoughts.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,When sorrows like sea billows roll;Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.