Mother's Day

I hope that every mother reading this had a wonderful Mother's Day. I hope that you realize how truly you are blessed.

In our church, Mother's Day is a busy day. There is Graduation Recognition, Baby Dedication, and of course recognition of mothers. Last year, I was walking to the choir room and I saw all those parents lined up with their babies and I was hit with a wall of grief. It was all I could do to not run out of the church. A dear friend was dedicating her new son that day and I needed to be there for that so I continued on. But I could not make it through the entire service. You see during the Children's Feature, all the mothers are asked to stand up and the kids give every mother a flower. It would not be so bad if I was sitting in the congregation. Instead, I am in the choir loft and it felt as if I was shouting, "I am not a mother! I have no children!" The same thing happens every time someone asks me if I have any kids. Heartache. Despair. Emptiness. Even now as I sit typing, tears are running down my face. Luckily, the choir was dismissed soon after that. I went home to grieve before being with my family to celebrate the wonderful mothers in my life.

This year I thought that I was doing better. Another friend was dedicating her baby and when I saw all the parents waiting, I was happy for them. Again, the mothers were asked to stand up, but this time it was much better. When the choir was dismissed, I did not run away. I went and sat with my family. Our pastor's sermon was about traits of a good mother. At one point, he was speaking about Hannah and her desire to have a child. He stopped and said that we needed to recognize that every woman who wanted a child did not have them. I was fine until that point. Tears could not be stopped. I continued to sit and listen and eventually the tears stopped. The rest of the day was wonderful. We had lunch with my in-laws, my mom, and my grandma. We then went to my grandma's and played cards all afternoon.

This past Sunday was our Music Minister's last day with us. He and his wife are moving to Texas to be closer to their son and grandchildren. Bob and Susan will be greatly missed. They have enriched our lives so much. They both are reflections of Christ. At the end of the service, our pastor presented a gift to them and it was an emotional time. I managed to get myself under control to sing the closing song. After the service, I was walking down a hall and Susan was coming from the other direction. We hugged and she said. "I am going to tell you something that is going to make you cry. On Mother's Day, I looked for you. I had gotten two flowers and I wanted to give you one. I know that somewhere, somehow God has a baby for you. Until that time, you need to know what an impact you are having on children in this town. You are doing great things for them." She was right. I was crying.

That evening there was a reception for Bob and Susan. I was hopping to tell them how much they have meant to us and to be able to give to them like they are always giving to others. Instead, they gave to us. They shared with us the joy that they had about us planning to adopt. Bob said that our child would be very lucky knowing how much he or she was desired. That our child would be blessed to have us as parents. Thank you, Bob and Susan.

Perfect Life

There is a blog that I enjoy reading. It is written by a good friend of my sister. She has such a great sense of humor and I just love reading her blog. I found this quote on it the other day and it really got to me.

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity". Gilda Radner, 1946-1989

I love this. Recently during a fight (yes, Chad and I argue), I burst into tears and said, "This was not what I expected my life to be!" Uh, Oh! That's a bad thing to say to your husband. Before I go any further, Chad and I are fine. We occasionally allow ourselves to be immature, selfish, hardheaded, and take any stress we have out on each other. Thankfully, we love each other and we do not allow these moments to damage our marriage. As I was saying, do not tell your husband that this was not the life that you expected. He will not take it well. I explained that this was not a bad thing and we eventually worked through it.

Let me tell you what I meant. You see, I am a dreamer. Head in the clouds, someday my prince will come, happily ever after dreamer. I love fairy tales, romance books, and chick flicks. Even though I knew that the perfect life did not exist, I was going to have something close enough to it; the perfect romantic husband, a dream house, financially well off, the ability to stay home and create and do great things, and of course the house full of kids (hopefully 5)

Okay, let's take a real look at my life. Just so you know, this is not me whining or feeling sorry for myself. I am just taking stock.

My husband- not perfect and occasionally most often not romantic. He used to be wonderfully romantic but sometime after "I do" - he wasn't. He still can be on occasions but they are far more removed from each other. Chad is defiantly not perfect. I won't tell you his faults. I instead will tell you that he is very intelligent and has a great sense of humor. We have so much fun together. He is my Knight in not so shiny armour. I do love him.
My house- not my dream house but I do love it.
Financially- fine but not well off. Clearances and coupons are a must. LOL!
Stay at home- love to but I cannot at the moment. I do really enjoy my job. Well -most days.
Creating and doing great things- no time or energy to do everything that I would like. I enjoy what I do have the time for; Church, family, friends, committees, and activities.
House full of kids- OK that's where the hang up is. I truly expected a house full of kids by now. When I was little, I told my mother that I wanted 10 kids- 5 kids and 5 babies. I did not understand that babies did not stay babies and that they were a lot of work. Now, I would settle for just one.

You see this is where the quote comes in. I find at times that I want to cry out and say that "this is not the life that I expected!" Sometimes, I feel as if I am still waiting for my life to start. Those were my plans, but what about God's? For the most part, I think that I take each moment and make the best out of it without knowing what is going to happen next. You see, I know that God is in control of my life and He has plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11) Do you?

The Mother of my Child

About a month ago, a friend from church asked if we were still going to adopt. She had a 19 year old niece that was 3 weeks pregnant and already had 2 young children. She was considering adoption. We were definitely interested.

One night I was praying for this young woman and this situation. As I was praying, I changed my prayer. You see, it was with the mind that I would be getting this child. She was only 3 weeks along. Anything could happen along the way. I changed my prayer.

A couple of weeks ago, I found out that the young woman had a miscarriage and they believed that she was carrying twins. I felt sorrow like I would for anyone who would lose a child but not the sorrow of losing my own child. You see this was not my child. My child is somewhere, maybe not even conceived yet. So this is my prayer.....

Father, You know the deepest desire of my heart. Chad and I so want to be parents. You have led us to adoption and I know when the time is right You will throw open the doors. I pray for the mother of my child. I pray that you are with her now. I pray that she makes the right choices for her and the child. Give her strength to do what is best for her and the child. Be with us all, Lord, during this time. In Your name I pray, Amen.

Silence

Wow! It has been sooo long since I blogged last. There never seemed to be enough time and really I did not have too much to say. Since Valentine's Day, I have been really busy between work and planning an event at church. Not only that, but I have been helping out at my old job at CASA. The person that replaced me quit and I needed to help out. Needless to say I have been busy.

I love the wooden signs that have sayings on them. I saw one recently that said:
I believe in the Sun even when it does not shine
I believe in the Wind even when it does not blow
I believe in God even when He is silent

That sign speaks to me right now. For a while there it felt as if every time I turned around God was speaking to me loud and clear (no I was not hearing an actual voice), but for the last month He has been silent. This got me thinking. Was He really silent or was I too busy to listen?
Maybe He has been speaking to me in a whisper.

Unexpected Blessings

Have you ever wanted to just be by yourself and not leave the house? This past Sunday, Chad was going to Georgia for three days. He and other staff at our high school left at 5:30 a.m. Let me just say, that I love my husband very much and I love being with him. Chad is my best friend, BUT I love it when he goes out of town. I use this time to do one of two things. First, I love spending this time with my family and friends. With Chad gone, I don't have to feel guilty for spending not being with him. Second, I love being by myself. I can be lazy and do nothing except read or watch movies that I want to watch (you know -chick flicks), or I make plans to do something that needs to be done (major cleaning) or that I want to do (scrapbooking). Being my myself is what I really wanted while he was gone. That did not happen. Instead, I got some unexpected blessings.

I really considered skipping chuch on Sunday morning. We are there pretty much every Sunday. Don't get me wrong. I love going to church and it is not a "have to" sort of thing. This was going to be the only non working day that Chad would be gone and I really wanted to stay in my pjs all day long. Very close to heaven in my opinion. That did not happen. A very dear friend called to remind me that I promised to pick up the breakfast that she made for our Sunday School class since she could not go. Ok, so I would go to Sunday School then go home. At Sunday School, I remembered that we (the choir) were singing two great songs that morning. I can't pass up these songs. Ok, after the choir is released I will leave. But the sermon is about grace- ok I will stay. I was very blessed that morning. Through our pastor, I was reminded of grace. I know about God's grace, but how often do I demonstrate His grace to others? Blessing number 1 that weekend was time to praise God and time to hear His voice.

On Saturday, I did make arrangemets with my mom to go to my grandma's to eat dinner and play cards on Sunday night. I knew they would not care if I came in my pjs. My dad is an over the road truck driver and is only home about every three weeks for only a few days. Unfortunatly, there are times when he is home that I do not get to see him because of other commitments. In the past year, my grandma has gone from a very energetic and active older woman to beign on oxagen and weak. We are reminded that her time with us is shorter than we would like. Spending an evening with the 3 of them would not be a hardship. On my way home from church, I called to double check the time for dinner. Mom suggested I stop by their house on my way home and have lunch with them. Let me just say if you have the chance to have my dad's pulled pork, DO NOT TURN IT DOWN! It is delicious! I ended up staying the entire day at my parents then going to grandma's. Blessing number 2 was spending time with people that I love very much and having a great time. I am blessed to have these people in my life.

Monday came and it was sleeting. In fact, they had an early dismissal at school and that ment that I would not have to go to work. Yea! Blessing number 3! I came home after a meeting and doing a couple of things for work and took a nap! Naps- if you get them - are wonderful!

I had made plans the week before to have dinner with a friend. She and I have not gotten together in some time. We were long overdue. Have you ever really been looking forward to doing something and then as that time approaches finding yourself not wanting to do it? It sounds stupid and selfish, but I really wanted to just stay home. I knew that I would regret not going. Blessing number 4 was being able to have this time with her. We were able to catch up and share things that we aren't always able to share with other people. I love this friend dearly and am so blessed to call her friend.

I did not get want I wanted during this time. Many times what we want is not what we need. Instead, we are blessed. Thank you to those that blessed me this week.

Balloons

There is a devotion that I read each week. It is titled Get Real. He searches the sources of the rivers and brings hidden things to light. Job 28:11

The writer tells of a women's retreat that she attended. During the final session, they sang "Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord," and they were to go somewhere alone and to be alone with God. Each woman received a balloon and a marker. They were to ask God to show them an area of their life they needed to to release to Him and write it on the balloon. The writer wrote: INFERTILITY. She slumped to the ground in tears. She thought that she had already released this to Him. She knew that God is in control and thought that she had accepted His plan for her. Yet, as she gazed at the word, she knew that God was right. She had never "formally" released her infertility to Him.

This devotion gets me every time. Like the writer, I know that God is in control and I want His plan for my life. I have prayed many times, Lord, I release my infertility to you. But I wonder- have I really? Am I just saying the words? What else can I do to release it formally. How do I make sure that I am still not hanging on? As I am writing this, I look back and see something that I think is significant. The writer uses the wording "accepting His plan" and I used "want His plan." I want His will, but am I accepting His will?

Am I hanging on? Lately, I have been visualizing balloons. I love to watch balloons soar off into the sky. I wonder where it will end up? When I initially read this devotion, I visualized writing INFERTILITY on the balloon and releasing it to the sky. I visualized God reaching out and taking it and keeping it. But in the past few weeks, I have been visualizing something a little more different. Remember when you were a child getting a balloon? Or what you may do with your child? What do you usually do? Do you tie it around the child's wrist or stroller so the balloon will not fly away? I wonder - is that what I am doing with my infertility? Am I releasing it only to have a really long string that is still attached to me?

Chad and I felt that God was wanting us to adopt. We are moving forward with this. Earlier this month, we were planning to continue with the medical side also. It is now time to make the calls to go ahead with the treatments. I asked Chad last night what he thought. He said that he really has not thought about doing the treatments. As, we talked he really made a lot of sense. If adoption is what God wants for us, then why go through possibly painful treatments and surgeries? Is this the string that I have tied around my wrist to keep my balloon? Today, I am cutting it off. Lord, I am yours. Take my infertility and my plan to be a mommy and make it Yours. Open my eyes and heart to You and help me to accept Your will.

Today, I ask two things from you who are reading this.
1. Pray for me. Help me to see how to fully release being a mommy to God. Please leave comments. I can always use encouragement.
2. Ask God to reveal to you what you need to release to Him.
Lord, let's get real. Open the eyes of my heart. Be my truth. Create in me a pure heart and renew a right spirit within me. Search my heart and reveal to me what You see hidden there. What do I need to surrender to You? Today I release ________________ to You. Amen

Overcoming Fears

Today's blog is about something that had happened before the decision to start the adoption process but I felt that I needed to share it.

Over a year ago, a dear friend from Church had given me a devotional book titled Longing for a Child. I have since completed the book but I still get it out and read it at least weekly. It is interesting to look back at my thinking over the past year and see some things differently.

One devotion was called New Vision. The passage is Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith Hebrews 12:2. As I read the devotion, I was not ready at the time to take it to heart. I decided I was not ready for the lesson yet. The prayer in it said "Give me the desire of my heart or take my desire away." WHAT!? Take my desire away? My heart and mind could not grasp that! Ever since I was a small child, I have wanted to be a mother. Why give me that desire if I could never have it. There are people out there who do not want to be mothers. Why, God? Now -here's some truth time. Yes, Chad and I prayed for God's will in our lives, but I was afraid. I was afraid that if I said take it away - He would. What would I do then. All my hopes and dreams gone. Who would I be? Would that make me a different person? Would I recognize myself in the mirror? No, NO! I'm not thinking about it. But... every once in awhile that devotion and prayer would sneak up on me and I would push it away.

The day after Christmas, I was having a moment of pity. I wanted to be pregnant. Oh, I so much wanted a baby! I was crying, and driving- watch out other drivers- and I remembered that devotion. With tears running down my face, I prayed that prayer out loud. Give me the desire of my heart or take my desire away. As soon as I said it, I thought "What have I done?" Then I said only one word. "Lord!" I have found that many times when I do not have the words or know what to say, that is what I say. There was peace. I was hurting but He had me in His hands and He was not not going to let me fall.

Lord, I'm blinded by my circumstance. I need your perspective. Heal me or heal my vision. Give me the desire of my heart or take my desire away. Forgive me for looking away from you in my times of doubt and discouragement. Open my eyes to your plan and truth.
Help me to fix my eyes on you, the author and perfecter of my faith. Amen

The desire has not been taken away but maybe there is a new vision.

Thank you, Cindy, for the book and continued prayers and support you have given me.

It is well...

It's been a week since I have blogged and I can't believe that the time has gotten away from me. I really wanted to blog more often. Oh well!

We have not heard from anyone regarding the baby in Arizona. Chad and I talked when we first heard about her and we said then, even if this does not work out- we know that God has a baby for us somewhere.

This past Sunday, our preacher was speaking about peace. In fact, the theme is Know Jesus, Know Peace. He spoke about the storms of life and what we needed to have and do to survive them. I won't go into that right now but I want to get you into my mind at that moment. I had just sang the choir number in which I had a solo. The words of the solo are: Carry me, Father God, in your strong eagle wings of love. Through the storms, keep me safe. Through the tears and all my shame, carry me. It really paints a picture. Can't you see yourself wrapped in His arms. I have a memory of my dad carrying me and the feeling as if nothing bad could or would happen to me as long as I was in his arms. It is that way with our Heavenly Father.

During the sermon, I was reminded of something that I had heard three years ago, but I could not really remember exactly the words of the lesson and the Hymn that went with it. I have over the past 6 years been blessed to go to a couple of Women of Faith conferences each year. One year, Jennifer Rothschild was speaking and she really spoke to me. At that time, we were just beginning to start to discover why we were not getting pregnant and I really took what she had to say to heart. She had quite a story to share. Here's the lesson that has stayed with me several years later. Although, I may not be well in my circumstances, because I have faith in God, it is well with my soul. That's it! The hymn is It is well with my soul. To show you what a great God He is, after the invitation, the offertory hymn was It is Well! Wow! My heart jumped! I love it when He speaks to me and affirms my thoughts.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,When sorrows like sea billows roll;Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.

We need your prayers!

Good morning! I need to catch you up with what happened last week. I did not blog about it before because I had a feeling that I was not ready to share with everyone. On New Years Eve morning, Chad and I had an appointment with our doctor in Columbia. This was a reevaluation appointment. I have been on Clomid for 8 cycles and was taking the largest dosage I could take with varying results regarding mature follicles (eggs). We have tried insemination (IUI) 6 times. It was time to look further. Our doctor gave us several options. The first is to have a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). This test is an X-ray procedure performed to determine whether the fallopian tubes are open and to see if the shape of the uterine cavity is normal. This is the next step. We can continue with Clomid and IUI, but this recommend to make sure that we are not wasting our money. The test will cost about $1500 and even after both the doctor's office and I have called, the insurance company has not said whether they will pay any or not. I was at the correct time during my cycle for the test. In fact, I was to have it done on Friday. Chad and I made the decision to wait until the next cycle. We pay everything at the time of service and we wanted to make sure that we could cover it if insurance did not cover it after all.

There were other options discussed. There are other fertility drugs but the HSG is needed to go further and I'm not sure that I want to take shots everyday. We discussed in-vetro fertilization (IVF). This will cost us about $12,000 for one try and since the problem is both Chad and I we only have a chance of about 10% of this working. We had a lot of decisions to make.

On the way home, we decided that it was time to start adoption proceedings. We can continue with the HSG, Clomid, and IUI, but we will begin the long process to adopt. Chad said that he has felt for a while that God wanted us to adopt. I was beginning to wonder too. Chad had a close friend that is a lawyer and adopted his first son. We got a card for an adoption lawyer in KC. I downloaded the application and we started making a list of who we were going to ask to write letters on our behalf.

Now, here is the good part. It was Friday morning, and I was scheduled to have the HSG done that morning but I had cancelled the appointment. My prayer that morning was, "Lord, if adoption is what you want for us then let there be no obstacles and fling open the doors wide."
A couple of hours later, I was at Wal-Mart meeting with other co-workers to buy supplies for work. While I was at the front waiting, my friend Amanda came in. I walked over to say hi and she asked if I had a minute to talk. She said that she had talked to another friend that week (Shelley) and she had told her that her aunt's boss has a niece that had a baby girl 3 weeks old was was planning to give it up for adoption. Wow! Lord you are awesome! Even if this is not the baby you have for us, thank you for your confirmation of your plan for us. We are in the process of finding out about more information about this baby and what we need to do. Please pray for us. Pray for God's will in our lives and that we will recognize His will. That every decision is with our eyes on Him and if things do not work out this time that our hearts and minds realize that this was not our baby but ours is out there.

Happy New Year!

I'm Back! As you may know, Chad sells quite a bit on ebay and since he was off I did not get time on the computer. I loved the time with him since my job had very limited hours for the last two weeks.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! We certainly did. I love this time of year! I love spending the extra time with my family and being reminded of the greatest gift that anyone ever received. God's everlasting love, His ultimate sacrifice, and His unfailing grace. Can we ever truly comprehend His love for us. Those of you who are parents I'm sure can understand the love and joy that He finds in us, the pleasure He feels when we spend time with Him, and the unconditional love that He demonstrates each day. But is that even an inch of what He feels for us? Somehow, I do not think so. Lord, thank you for loving me even when I forget to "call", am to busy to spend time with you, want things that I do not need, and say or do things that do not reflect you.

This Christmas, I wanted only one thing. To be pregnant. In fact, I had it all figured out. I was late starting and my plan was to take the test Christmas morning. Even though I did not take any fertility drugs nor did we do insemination, I was sure that God would show how big He is. What a wonderful testimony that would be! If the test was positive, I was going to wrap up the test and when all of my family and Chad's parents were at our house for Christmas I would give it to him. Can you imagine the joy that would be in the house that day? It was negative. Immediately, the tears came. Yes, my heart was breaking. But, with every tear came the knowledge that God did not need to make me pregnant to show how big He is. He had already done that by sending His son, His infant son, to be born in a stable. His timing is perfect! Christmas day is about celebrating the birth of Christ. I did not get what I wanted for Christmas, instead I got something much greater. Philippians 4:4 says, "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!"